A friend said, during chat on im
As I see, luck can take you only till a point
and continued,
after that, it is all again luck.
Funnily painful. Or painfully funny.
**
These days, my biggest problem is to communicate and clarify to others, that I am not negative (pessimist) and at the same time, I am not a positive person (optimist) – I am (or at least want to be) at the middle ground. And that I am comfortable being there..and that I am quite sure that my mentality does not affect any outcome, but everyone opposes me.
But the problem is at times I get myself confused what I am.
Am I positive just to console myself and just because it is good to be so ?
**
It is bad already that one has to justify himself..but it is worse, when I fail in that..
The side effect is a conclusion which is quite as useless as it could get – hopelessness is not the worst pain…it is helplessness.
**
Am I really as strong as I think I am..or as much as I wish..or as much as I come across..or as much as I try to show ?
**
Does it really matter .. to be strong from outside when I realize that is not me from inside.. to be positive on the outlook when I realize deep within that many things don’t make sense..
[Including the consolations generously offered that again rely on .. hope, future ... the shallow ones which the offerers too realize does not make sense when offered back when they go through a lean phase. I feel guilty for being evil in returning their favours and smiling under nose to have made them realize how shallow their words were..yes I am an evil guy, sometimes.. 
]
Does it really matter that I laugh..and make others laugh..when all I want to do is cry out loud standing atop a hill till I get tired and watch the sunset alone and fall asleep counting the stars ?