Lens

I would like to add my notes to this, but another day another time.
Drama

A friend said, during chat on im

As I see, luck can take you only till a point

and continued,

after that, it is all again luck.

Funnily painful. Or painfully funny.

**
These days, my biggest problem is to communicate and clarify to others, that I am not negative (pessimist) and at the same time, I am not a positive person (optimist) - I am (or at least want to be) at the middle ground. And that I am comfortable being there..and that I am quite sure that my mentality does not affect any outcome, but everyone opposes me.

But the problem is at times I get myself confused what I am.

Am I positive just to console myself and just because it is good to be so ?

**

It is bad already that one has to justify himself..but it is worse, when I fail in that..

The side effect is a conclusion which is quite as useless as it could get - hopelessness is not the worst pain…it is helplessness.

**
Am I really as strong as I think I am..or as much as I wish..or as much as I come across..or as much as I try to show ?

**

Does it really matter .. to be strong from outside when I realize that is not me from inside.. to be positive on the outlook when I realize deep within that many things don’t make sense..
[Including the consolations generously offered that again rely on .. hope, future ... the shallow ones which the offerers too realize does not make sense when offered back when they go through a lean phase. I feel guilty for being evil in returning their favours and smiling under nose to have made them realize how shallow their words were..yes I am an evil guy, sometimes.. ]

Does it really matter that I laugh..and make others laugh..when all I want to do is cry out loud standing atop a hill till I get tired and watch the sunset alone and fall asleep counting the stars ?

Perhaps there is really no correlation between what we deserve and what we get. Perhaps that’s why the Gita advises us to let go of the fruits of our actions, for there is no direct equation. Faith and reason are the tools we use to understand life, and both fail us at such times. Perhaps Life is indeed completely random.

Am quite ashamed to quote it TOTALLY out of context from the original personal post here.

I would have liked to extend the above with my thoughts and put my perspective (and probably a context), but thats for another day.

Expecting the world to treat you fairly because because you are a good person is like expecting the lion not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.

From a forward which had other inane quotes like Gandhi said “Love your enemies” and Nehru said “Laziness is our worst enemy” , the above made quite some sense.

**
On the other day I had a moment of enlightenment when I realized suddenly that complaining “Life is unfair” is quite uncalled for, given that “no one” “promised” it to be otherwise. It was you who set the requirements and/or expectations.

Asking “So what” after every question helps sometimes.

**
Totally personal cribbing though hoping that it is context-independent.

I have this enormous repulsion towards few people that repeatedly blinds me to their positives and magnifies their not-positives. I have let many instances where I can pounce upon, pass by me and remain unaffected but with these people it is as if I am just waiting to capture that every oppurtunity. Actually when I do look back, it is not that I hate the people, not even dislike them, but pure can’t-stand-you feeling.

Sometime ago, there was a similar incident and the character is the sameperson. He saw a flashy car and cribbed “I don’t have such a car”¹ (the conversation was in Kannada and the original sentence was even more full of cribbing - it was with such a tone that indicated “sadness” “hopelessness” “anger-towards-destiny” all together ). Now that tone and that formation of sentence was what irked me most.

Needing/wanting a car is different. Not having a car is different. And I with utmost patience and with a very un-emotional and controlled voice decided to enlighten him.

“I do not understand why if it had to be any diffrerent. I mean, lets look from other direction. Why is that you “should have had” a car by now ?” His reaction, as expected, was a reaction to unexpected reply. He wanted me to sympathize/join him. He was silent. I grabbed the chance to continue my onslaught (In kannada with choiciest of effective words -eg ನಿನ್ನ ಯೋಗ್ಯತೆ ಏನಯ್ಯ ? - and my tone I am sure I was hurting and as well as making a point crystal clear). “Lets see if you deserved to have had a car by now. There are few cases where one at an as early age as yours could have owned a car. Lets see. Do you have a rich industrialist father, who could have gifted you a car in your early teens to even go to your college ?² Or have you won any lottery ? Ok, lets leave the “luck and chance” thing aside, have you done any thing remarkably great and ‘earned’ a lot of money - say like Sabir Bhatia - at an early age ? You have been just an engineer with less than 2 years experience and if you have had to own a car by now, you should have been earning and saving x many thousands a month, are you doing that ? Being a software engineer you are earning quite more than many others and at least you could desire/hope/plan to own a car after a few years where as there are others who could not even hope or plan now. I do not understand why you should have had a car by now, by any reason ! It simply means that either you haven’t worked towards it (like stealing!) or you do not deserve it. When you have not done anything and there was no other way by which you could have had a car, where is the point of worry ? Do you think otherwise ? ”

“Ha, of course if you had said “I want/wish to buy a car”, that would have made sense. But “Aiyyo I do not have a car” does not make any sense. Agree ? “. He nodded.

I was happy I could drive home the point with a neutral voice and with good words Also now I keep a watch on myself if I complain for not having what I do not deserve.

1. ನನ್ನ ಹತ್ರ ಅಂಥ ಒಂದು ಕಾರ್ ಇಲ್ವಲ್ಲಾ ಅಂಥ :( [back]
2. I do not mean any disrespect to any father for not doing so, and I told him that. It was just that this is the easiest logically possible thing [back]

These days I am playing the snake game on my mobile. I knew about it earlier but had never played. Mostly I play it during waiting - for order in hotel, for bus, for someone, whem I am lonely and during other freetime (guess when!). It is a simple game alright, but a small lapse of action(keypress) or concentration or foresight can end the game and thus the effort so far. Though it can be played passively, I play it actively, so that no other thought bothers me. With a timelimit, it could have been made even more difficult.

Well, the post is not to discuss as simple a game as that. Recently someone¹ observed that “Hey why are you playing that game always..isn’t that too simple..there are many other interesting games …”
To which I involuntarily replied “This game is present in my mobile and however it its, I believe in playing well the games I have instead of worrying myself about the games that are not in my mobile”. It tangentially was an answer to something else in a subtle way, which I am sure did not reach him.

Later when I recalled that impromptu statement, I feel that is very true with me², naturally.³ I have had undesirable times with my health, friends, relationships, career and every thing else and each time I just swallowed it. Initially I had to that with the help of thoughts and decision, now it comes naturally to me.

As long as I have this game I will try to play it in a best way possible and will enjoy it. It does not mean I will not buy a new mobile with more challenging and enriching games⁴.

1. a whiner, about whom a book can be written and who takes, these days, all the credit for the fun I have,in his absense [back]
2. reminds me of a quote from IISc Prof who taught us Transmission and Switching - damn I forgot his namethanks to anon in comment, his name is Prof Ashok Rao- he had said “These days every one says ‘I want to do good projects’ no body says ‘I want to do the project good [back]
3. There is a huge difference between ambition/need to complaints/cribbing. My ambition has sometimes been misunderstood as complaint by many [back]
4. While at it, I will make sure to have Chess on my mobile, Like snake it will be best companion during lonely times [back]

“Aerodynamically, the bumble bee shouldn’t be able to fly, but the bumble bee doesn’t know it so it goes on flying anyway.” - Mary Kay Ash

Oh my God traffic is so bad …..Wish I didn’t need to travel …BEAT

I have to buy those books. Have to borrow that from her, return this to him…And in between I need to read them…BEAT

She is getting married…..He is seeing her….BEAT

He is changing his company….She is changing her city….BEAT

Need to call up him…..need to mail her….BEAT

That person’s birthday is coming up……Got to see this person’s new bike….BEAT

I better manage my time….the list of “tbd�? is growing…But weekend was over just now, will have to wait for the next which will also pass soon…next one and the next one….BEAT

Havent met him…haven’t spoken to her….BEAT

And who is this person who just smiled at me..Oh ! I know him…I didnt even return the smile…BEAT

Appointment with Doc is pending ….and the vehicle servicing….BEAT

Gotto see that movie…..listen to this music…BEAT

That damned code is acting up, deadline is fast approaching…..Tch, this meeting is today…BEAT
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
On a scooter, two pillion kids….In their KG classes….
In the best costume- school uniform…Lost in their own world……
See me…With eyes that spell innocence……
Open little mouth to a broad smile…Smile that is most beautiful on earth…
Wave their hands …Say in chorus… “Tata Tata Tata�? …B……E…….A………T